Tech On Trail

Take my iPhone, my GPS
How could you be so crass?
Dip it in some Astroglide
And shove it up my ass

Text me once, call me twice
You won’t hear a sound
But if you put it on vibrate first
You’ll melt my prostate down down down down…

My vagina hurts

My vagina, my vagina, my vagina really hurts
I would rather have
A sore vagina
Than a face that
Looks like yours

Yogi bear

There’s a bear in the deep dark woods
Yogi, Yogi
There’s a bear in the deep dark woods
Yogi, Yogi Bear
Yogi, Yogi Bear
Yogi, Yogi Bear
There’s a bear in the deep dark woods
Yogi, Yogi Bear

Yogi has a little friend
Boo Boo, Boo Boo
Yogi has a little friend
Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear
Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear
Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear
Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear

Boo Boo Bear has no teeth
Gummy, Gummy
Boo Boo Bear has no teeth
Gummy, Gummy Bear

Boo Boo’s only three feet tall
Yogi, Yogi
Boo Boo’s only three feet tall
Yogi’s a lucky bear

Additional verses: Yogi has a girlfriend (Cindy)
Cindy likes it on the ice (Polar)
Cindy likes it up the ass (Brown Bear)
Cindy likes it on the ice (Polar)
Cindy has a shaven snatch (Grizzly)
Cindy likes it in the dark (Black Bear)
Cindy likes it upside down (Koala)
Yogi has a cheesy dick (Camem — Camenbear)
Yogi likes to roll his own (Smokey)
Cindy’s white and Yogi’s black (Panda)
Yogi has a twelve-inch cock (Lucky)
Boo Boo says he has one too (Liar)
Cindy Bear likes lingerie (Teddy)
Cindy’s in the NRA (Right to — Right to Bear)
Cindy Bear has double Ds (More than — More than I can bear)
Cindy likes menage a trois (Boo Boo — Boo Boo’s a lucky bear)

Conclusion: Yogi Bear has HIV
Dying, dying
Yogo Bear has HIV
Dying, dying bear
Dying, dying bear
Dying, dying bear
Yogo Bear has HIV
Dying, dying bear

The S&M man

Can also be sung as “The S&M Girl” for those so inclined

Who can take a bicycle (who can take a bicycle)
Tear off the leather seat (tear off the leather seat)
Impale a virgin on it and push her down a bumpy street?

Chorus: The S&M Man, the S&M Man
The S&M Man can ’cause he mixes it with love,
And makes the hurt feel good (makes the hurt feel good)

Alternate chorus (sing after every five or six verses): The S&M Man, the S&M Man
He’s the one who hurt your mother
Sodomized and raped your brother
There can never be another (doo-di-doo, doo-di-doo)

Who can take a dildo
Ram it up your rear
Fuck you all night long
Until the shit comes out your ears?
(chorus)
Who can take a chainsaw
Rev it up real high
Shove it up your ass
Just to hear you scream and sigh?
(chorus)
Who can take some sandpaper
With some very nasty grit
Rub it back and forth
Until you have a bleeding clit?
(chorus)
Who can take a sander
Made by Black and Decker
Rub it up and down
Until you’ve got a bloody pecker?
(chorus)
Who can take a chainsaw
Cut the bitch in two
Fuck the bottom half
And toss the other half to you?
(chorus)
Who can take Grandpa
Pump him full of ‘ludes
Drop him in a gay bar
With a bunch of horny dudes?
(chorus)
Who can take Grandma
Throw her on the lawn
Fuck her up the rear
While Grandpa cheers him on?
(chorus)
Who can take a candle
Melt it on your skin
Watch it blister up
Then stick it with a pin?
(chorus)
Who can take a tire iron
Stick up your hole
Screw a jack way up your ass
Until you rock ‘n roll?
(chorus)
Who can find some newlyweds
Sneak into their room
Fuck the bride in bed
And then sodomize the groom?
(chorus)
Who can take a little girl
Before she’s on the rag
Fuck her till she’s dead
And then toss her in a bag?
(chorus)
Who can take a pussy
Suck out all the yeast
Spit it in some dough
And bake up a tasty feast?
(chorus)
Who can take two ice picks
Stick one in each ear
Ride you like a Harley
While he fucks you up the rear?
(chorus)
Who can take a light bulb
Shove it up your ass
Fuck you up the rear
Until you’re shitting chunks of glass?
(chorus)
Who can shave a pussy
Without the shaving cream
Slap some on some Aqua Velva
Just to hear her yell and scream?
(chorus)
Who can take a glass rod
Shove it up his prick
Lay it on the table
And smash it with a brick?
(chorus)
Who can take a cheese grater
Strap it to his arm
Rub it back and forth
‘Til he makes pussy parmesian?
(chorus)
Who wears pants with zippers
With no underwear
Then pulls it up and down
Until he has no pubic hair?
(chorus)
Who can take a pregnant woman
Fuck her til she’s dead
Fuck her even harder
Til the fetus gives him head?
(chorus)
Who can take a baby
Lay it on a bed
Turn the bugger over
And fuck the soft spot in its head?
(chorus)
Who can go to an abortion clinic
Sneak around the back
Rummage through the dumpster
‘Til he finds a tasty snack?
(chorus)
Who can go to an abortion clinic
Forget about the back
Run right through the front door
And suck a fresh one from her crack?
(chorus)
Who can take your scrotum
Stick it with a pin
Hang on a bunch of weights
Until it drags down to your shins?
(chorus)
Who can take just two bricks
Take one in each hand
Bang them on his balls
Like the cymbals in the band?
(chorus)
Who can drive an ambulance
To a totalled Cadillac
Fuck the injured woman
And her daughters in the back?
(chorus)
Who can take some jumper cables
Attach one to each tit
Connect them to a Mack truck
‘Til she has orgasmic fits?
(chorus)
Who rubs down with honey
Just to have a chance
To lay out on the lawn
And be a picnic for fire ants?
(chorus)
Who can shave his body
Pubic parts and all
Swim around all day
In a pool of alcohol?
(chorus)
Who ties down his sweetie
Every single day
Covers her with rats
And lets the kitties in to play?
(chorus)
Who can take some shackles
Chain you to the walls
Fill a glass with sperm
By lancing both your balls?
(chorus)
Back to top
SWING LOW
Hand gestures are required, but they can’t be reproduced here.
Swing low, sweet chariot (huh!)
Coming for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot (huh!)
Coming for to carry me home

I looked over Jordan (swish!)
And what did I see (huh!)
Coming for to carry me home
A band of angels
Coming after me
Coming for to carry me home

If you get there before I SHIT (huh!)
Coming for to carry me home
Tell all my friends
I’m coming too (huh!)
Coming for to carry me home

Repeat with humming, Scooby Doo, double-time with tongues out

My girl’s a vegetable

Chorus: My girl’s a vegetable
She lives in a hospital
I’d do most anything
To keep her alive

She’s got a new TV
It’s called an EKG
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
Her EKG does not rise
Still she can part her thighs
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She has no arms or legs
Just hooks and wooden pegs
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She has no feet or hands
Her head’s held on by rubber bands
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She’s got a tracheotomy
She can breathe while giving head to me
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She cannot hear, she cannot see
But she’s got an oral cavity
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She can’t get out of bed
Still she can give me head
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She might not live out the night
So she won’t put up a fight
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She’s had an episiotomy
That’s a bigger hole for me
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
My girl has leprosy
Bits and pieces land all over me
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
I’m always guaranteed a blow
Because she cannot say no
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
My girl has long blonde hair
It’s in patches here and there
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
There’s one doctor I won’t let in
That’s Dr. Kevorkian
I’d do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)

Follow the band

My girlfriend is a lawyer, is a lawyer, is a lawyer
A mighty fine lawyer is she
All day long she fucks you, she fucks you, she fucks you
And at night she comes home and fucks me

Chorus: So drink a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band
Follow the band with your gland in your hand
So drink a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band
Follow the band all the way

Additional verses: Glassblower/blows glass/blows me
Mail clerk/licks stamps/licks me
Nurse/takes temps/takes me
Gymnist/strides poles/strides mine
Baker/kneads bread/needs me
Dancer/does steps/does me
Asthmatic/sucks air/sucks me
Cowboy/rides broncs/rides me
Mechanic/screws bolts/screws me
Soldier/shoots guns/shoots cum
Guitarist/plays licks/licks me
Pimp/beats whores/beats me
Carpenter/bangs nails/bangs me
Truck driver/grinds gears/grinds me
Postman/stuffs boxes/stuffs me
Student/fucks off/fucks me
Plumber/lays pipe/lays me
Chef/eats this, he eats that/eats me
Bricklayer/lays brick/lays me
Dentist/drills you/drills me
Taxidermist/stuffs dead things/stuffs me
Stool Pigeon/fingers crooks/fingers me

My girlfriend is a prostitute, a prostitute, a prostitute
And a mighty fine prostitute is she
All day long she fucks you, she fucks you, she fucks you
And when she comes home she goes to sleep.
(chorus)