Follow the band

My girlfriend is a lawyer, is a lawyer, is a lawyer
A mighty fine lawyer is she
All day long she fucks you, she fucks you, she fucks you
And at night she comes home and fucks me

Chorus: So drink a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band
Follow the band with your gland in your hand
So drink a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band
Follow the band all the way

Additional verses: Glassblower/blows glass/blows me
Mail clerk/licks stamps/licks me
Nurse/takes temps/takes me
Gymnist/strides poles/strides mine
Baker/kneads bread/needs me
Dancer/does steps/does me
Asthmatic/sucks air/sucks me
Cowboy/rides broncs/rides me
Mechanic/screws bolts/screws me
Soldier/shoots guns/shoots cum
Guitarist/plays licks/licks me
Pimp/beats whores/beats me
Carpenter/bangs nails/bangs me
Truck driver/grinds gears/grinds me
Postman/stuffs boxes/stuffs me
Student/fucks off/fucks me
Plumber/lays pipe/lays me
Chef/eats this, he eats that/eats me
Bricklayer/lays brick/lays me
Dentist/drills you/drills me
Taxidermist/stuffs dead things/stuffs me
Stool Pigeon/fingers crooks/fingers me

My girlfriend is a prostitute, a prostitute, a prostitute
And a mighty fine prostitute is she
All day long she fucks you, she fucks you, she fucks you
And when she comes home she goes to sleep.
(chorus)

Bestiality’s best

Can also be sung substituting “boys” for the individual names

Chorus: Bestiality’s best, boys,
Bestiality’s best — FUCK A WALLABY!
Bestiality’s best, boys,
Bestiality’s best.

Tie me wallaby down, boys,
Tie me wallaby down,
You can’t fuck him when he’s hopping around, boys,
So tie me wallaby down.

Change your luck with a duck, Chuck,
Change your luck with a duck,
A duck’s a marvellous fuck, Chuck,
So change your luck with a duck.

A drake’s the best all around, mate,
A drake’s the best all around,
Its entry’s surrounded by down, mate,
A drake’s the best all around.

A camel’s a hell of a lay, Kay,
A camel’s a hell of a lay,
Humping the hump, as they say, Kay,
A camel’s a hell of a lay.

A moose is no bloody use, Bruce,
A moose is no bloody use,
She’s big, she’s mean, and she’s loose, Bruce,
A moose is no bloody use.

You can shoot your load in a toad, dude,
You can shoot your load in a toad,
If there’s nothing else to be rode, dude,
You can shoot your load in a toad.

Me wife was raped by an ape, Nate,
Me wife was raped by an ape,
She’s in marvellous sexual shape, Nate,
Ever since she was raped by an ape.

A rhino’s a hell of a treat, Pete,
A rhino’s a hell of a treat,
The horniest thing on four feet, Pete,
A rhino’s a hell of a treat.

A mongoose is no piece of cake, Jake,
A mongoose is no piece of cake,
He’ll attack your one-eyed snake, Jake,
A mongoose is no piece of cake.

You can come again in a hen, men,
You can come again in a hen,
When you’ve had everything else in the pen, men,
You can come again in a hen.

Try to give a badger a roger, boys,
Give a badger a roger
A badger’s a hell of a dodger, boys,
You just can’t roger a badger.

You can go the course on a horse, Morris,
You can go the course on a horse,
There’s lots of animals worse, Morris,
You can go the course on a horse.

You can try your log in a frog, boys,
You can try your log in a frog,
If it’s the only thing in the bog, boys,
You can try your log in a frog.

You can stick your pole in a mole, Cole,
You can stick your pole in a mole,
If your pole’s incredibly small, Cole,
You can stick your pole in a mole.

You can try to screw a red ‘roo, Lou,
You can try to screw a red ‘roo,
Be careful it doesn’t screw you, Lou,
When you try to screw a red ‘roo.

An ostrich can give you a ride, Clyde,
An ostrich can give you a ride,
When you get your weapon inside, Clyde,
An ostrich’s a real wild ride.

You can try getting bare with a bear, Clare,
You can try getting bare with a bear,
But he’s attached to his hair, Clare,
So don’t try to make him get bare.

Screwing a turtle’s a lark, Mark,
Screwing a turtle’s a lark,
If you’ve got foreskin like bark, Mark,
Then screwing a turtle’s a lark.

A gator is tricky to boff, Toff,
A gator is tricky to boff,
Wrong end and you’ll get it bit off, Toff,
A gator is tricky to boff.

Any old beast for a fuck, Chuck,
Any old beast for a fuck,
Even an Irishman’s luck, Chuck,
When you need a beast for a fuck.

You can get it on with an iguana, Donna,
You can get it on with an iguana,
But only if you really wanna, Donna,
You can get it on with an iguana.

Put your log up a dog, Claude,
Put your log up a dog,
Don’t you fancy a dog, Claude,
Put your log up a dog, ’cause . . .

More verses: Stick your lug in a slug, Doug (Aren’t you hot for a slug, Doug?)
Slip your slew to a ewe, Lou (Don’t you dream of a ewe, Lou?)
Get turned on by a duck, Chuck (Doesn’t that make you go quack, Chuck?)
Tickle the clit of a gnat, Matt (Isn’t that just where it’s at, Matt?)
Rough love with a horse, Boris (You gotta use force with a horse, Boris)