The moose song

When I was a young lad I used to like girls,
I’d play with their corsets and fondle their curls.
‘Till my girlfriend ran off with a salesman named Bruce,
Now you’d never get treated that way by a moose.

(Chorus)
Moose, moose, I love a moose,
I’ve never had anything quite like a moose.
My life has been merry, my women been loose,
But nothing compares to the love of a moose.

Now when I’m in need of a very good lay,
I go to my closet and get me some hay.
I go to my window and spread it around.
‘Cause moose always come when there’s hay on the ground.

(Chorus)
Moose, moose, I love a moose,
I’ve never had anything quite like a moose.
My life has been merry, my women been loose,
But nothing compares to the love of a moose.

Gorillas are all right on Saturday night,
Lions and tigers, they put up a fight.
But it’s just not the same when you slam that caboose,
As the feeling you get when you’re humping with a moose.

(Chorus)

I’ve done it with beasties with long flowing hair,
I’d do it with snakes if their fangs were not there.
I’ve done it with walrus, a monkey, and goose,
But it’s just not the same when you screw with a moose.

(Chorus)

I’ve fought many battles on fields, and on Farms
I’ve had many women in beds, and in barns
Some men serve Odin, and some men serve Zeus
but you’ve never known service, til you’ve serviced a moose

(Chorus)

Now that I am old and advanced in my years,
I look back on my life and shed me no tears.
As I sit in my chair with my glass of Matheus,
Playing Hide-The-Salami with Melba the Moose.

(Chorus)

Fuck You for Being the Hare

Fuck you for being the hare,
Traveled down your marks and back again.
Your trail is untrue,
You’re a dick and incompetent.

And if you did a down-down,
In front of everyone you scre-ew-ewed.
You would see the biggest one would be from me,
And my middle finger’d say,
Fuck you for being the hare.

My Girlfriend is a Vegetable

Leader: My girlfriend is a vegetable,
Crowd repeats
Leader: She lives in the hospital.
Crowd repeats

Chorus:
Leader: And I’d do most anything,
Crowd repeats
Leader: To keep that girl her alive!
Crowd repeats

Verses

She’s got a new TV,
It is called an EKG!

Her EKG does not rise,
Still she can part her thighs.

She has no arms or legs,
Just hooks and wooden pegs.

She has no feet or hands,
Her head’s held on by rubber bands.

She’s got a tracheotomy,
She can breathe while giving head to me.

She cannot hear, she cannot see,
But she’s got an oral cavity.

She can’t get out of bed,
Still she can give me head.

DUI

Suckin’ down a beer,
Feelin’ pretty loose,
Just killed off a fifth,
We’re running out of booze.
I got Grandmas’ keys,
Lets go for a ride,
What fun it is,
To get so stinkin’ drunk that you can’t drive!

Oh! DUI, DUI, life is just a game,
Oh what fun it is to ride in someone elses’ lane.
Oh! DUI, DUI, throw up on the dash,
We’d go to the liquor store but we ain’t got no cash!

Sliding ’round the curve,
In Grandma’s Cadillac,
She won’t even notice,
If we don’t bring it back (She’s old!).
Look at all the sparks,
Flashin’ from the side,
That guard rail sure is close,
I think we’re gonna die!

Oh! DUI, DUI, fearless guys are we,
Someone roll the window down, I really gotta pee.
Oh! DUI, DUI, ride up on the curb,
Hit that asshole on the sidewalk, it’s too late to swerve!

Riding through the town,
Running every light,
And if we find some Frat boys,
We’re gonna start a fight (That’s right!).
We would stop for breakfast,
But we just hit a truck,
Grandma’s got insurance,
So we don’t give a FUCK!

Oh! DUI, DUI, cops are on our ass,
Watch me push ’em off the road as they begin to pass.
Oh! DUI, DUI, now we’re goin’ to jail,
(slowly)
Someone better call Grandma,
So she can…
post . . .
our . . .
bail!

My Boyfriend is a Vegetable

Leader: My boyfriend is a vegetable.
Crowd: My boyfriend is a vegetable.
Leader: I met him at the grocery store.
Crowd: I met him at the grocery store.

Chorus
Leader: Oh, I’d use most anything.
Crowd: Oh, I’d use most anything.
Leader: To have a good time.
Crowd: To have a good time.

Verses:

I know that it might sound wrong.
But a cucumber is so firm and long.

A potato has fine brown eyes.
And never gives me UTIs.

An ear of corn feels like a dream.
‘Specially when it’s lubed with cream.

A tomato squirts out juicy seeds.
But there’s no risk of pregnancy.

I stuff myself with brussel sprouts.
It’s a bitch to fish them out.

A broccoli bush will always please.
When it’s slathered up with cheese.

Lettuce, fifty cents a head.
Makes a lovely tossed salad.

A cabbage picked fresh from the patch
Just barely fits up in my snatch.

A celery stalk is fun to wack.
And later makes a low-cal snack.

Ghost peppers are super hot.
When they’re up inside my twat.

Carrots packed with carotene
Make awesome substitutes for peen.

The Cat Song

She’s got the best tongue-work that I’ve ever seen,
She licks both my balls till they’re shiny and clean,
And her pink little pussy’s as tight as can be,
I know it’s the cat but it feels like a woman to me!